Dried from Rain

Staring from the

Introvert side of the window

Not really wondering

Why

Unlovable

Unlaughable

One in the crowd

Not seen for the

Roses

Or

Thorns

Not fit for the bouquet

Not good for forever

Maybe a season

Likely less

Watched me fall

Never raked me up

A dried addition

To a spinster’s

Kitchen beams

Waiting for the withered

Fingers

To match the

Inside

Not really wondering

Why

Unlovable

Unlaughable

One in the crowd

Not seen for the

Roses

Or

Thorns

Not fit for the bouquet

Not good for forever

Maybe a season

Likely less

Watched me fall

Never raked me up

A dried addition

To a spinster’s

Kitchen beams

Waiting for the withered

Fingers

To match the

Inside

Why

Unlovable

Unlaughable

One in the crowd

Not seen for the

Roses

Or

Thorns

Not fit for the bouquet

Not good for forever

Maybe a season

Likely less

Watched me fall

Never raked me up

A dried addition

To a spinster’s

Kitchen beams

Waiting for the withered

Fingers

To match the

Inside

Forest For

Never so acutely focused

While so helplessly detached

House built within my room

Without me hearing a single

Hammer blow

Only think to look up

When I stop looking down

The nail in my own foot

Through and through

Pointing to the new ceiling

So encompassed

By my own pain

I don’t see the art

He made

Work of children

Ignored

For the play of adults

Not managing tears

Real or forced

The stakes are too high

Serves me right

Should sweat

Streak across the floor

Hope the skin catches

Pinches in the grain

Remember the trees

Cut down with my axe

The next time I

Curse the sun

Beg

Beg for shade

And burn

Shelf

When I was in eighth grade, I got detention. The only one I ever would.

With another girl who also went on to be a writer. A good one. A real one.

We were not detention girls.

The plan was to create a time capsule. Capture the essence and sparkle and unrest of 1991and save it from decay for a rainy day.

Keep a time that was so hard in the living but might be passingly pleasant with distant remembering.

What about putting something precious on a shelf while you still want it in your hands

Like taking freshly delivered flowers and hanging them upside down instead on a wall instead of right way up in a vase of water.

Keeping something to remember before it wilts. A memory of beauty before you put your hands around and turn it ugly with oiled prints

Shelf out of the way

Shelf I can’t see

Shelf I’d like to build in my heart if only

I had the support beams

To handle the screws

Close

Enough to get a hand on

Enough that if it fell the

Memory would break

At least one bone

Want to know it’s there

But not know

Because I don’t know

Leave it there long enough

Might be there for

The next tenant

Cobwebs and dust

Encroach and envelop

So it becomes part

Of the timber

That maybe you’ll forget

When you pack your boxes

And downsize

When your life

Moves on

Or you pry the wood

And take it

Splinters

Brackets

Paint chips

Reaffix to ribs

And fascia

Soft

And brittle

Carry your shelf

Until it becomes

You

Dust in your veins

Cobwebs in your valves

And the memory

Is all that lives

Controller

Up down

Up down

Left right

Left right

Here gone

Here gone

Long night

Long night

–

Pushed away

Pushed away

Left alone

Left alone

Held together

Held together

Edges sewn

Edges sewn

–

Blanket tossed

Blanket tossed

Heat apart

Heat apart

Space together

Space together

Smothered heart

Smothered heart

–

Tangled cords

Tangled cords

Electric out

Electric out

Written words

Written words

Spoken shout

Spoken shout

–

Risk divided

Risk divided

Assets tied

Assets tied

Chosen familial

Chosen familial

Defeat denied

Defeat denied

–

Persistent circle

Persistent circle

Hopeful love

Hopeful love

Shelved disappointment

Shelved disappointment

Expectations shove

Expectations shove

–

Scared restricted

Scared restricted

Movement dropped

Movement dropped

Hopeful foolish

Hopeful foolish

Heart

Heart

Heart

Stopped

Can’t Talk Yet

Sometimes, World Poetry Day is missed because of brutal fucking ignorant mental illness lapses. Anxiety and depression. The pneumonia was easier, gang. By a mile.

Listening to confessions from a mother

And songs respecting the struggle of abortion

I cried

At least the baby didn’t die

She said

I smiled for the first time

In miles

She’s been in

The car with

Me

Us

Half of

Gone

Many times

Can’t talk about it

Not to someone

Being so nice

To me

An indicator

Of true illness

Doing it again

Misplacing comfort and kindness

Where I want spark

Two lengths of jumper cables

Battery leads corroded

Green

A color I knew

Wearing it in the crowd

Staring the stage

Wanting my own light

Coveting conversation

Forsaken for

Hugs that don’t need feet

Those come from both

Sets of Arms

I’m told

Cemented you chipped me

Not enough to be broken

But enough to be surrounded

By ceramic pieces

Mosaic

Disconnected enough

That every edges finds

Your soles

When you get out of bed

In the morning.

Can you sprain your

Diaphragm crying?

Or is that just

Heartache

Setting up housekeeping?

Rattling pans

And nailing down

Carpet

Planning to stay

Until the foundation

Gives

Tucked with wool

Set aside from

The destruction

Handed gently

Handled

Purpled with

Neglect

Color of a fresh

Bruise

Waiting for the

Ease of pain

That comes with

Greens and yellows.

Twitching to a

Touch

Melting to a

Mouth

Stealing comfort

Even though

It’s freely given.

Some things

Can’t talk about.

Not yet.

Drain

Flowing down my leg

Just like my book

No pain

That I can feel

Only what

I can see

Should see

could

See

If only

I’d stop

Looking at myself

Pouring out of me

Like feelings

Seeping

Like purulence from

A re-opened scar

Like rancid

Avalanche of garbage water

From the truck I

Backed up to your door

Dumped my shit

Without ever giving

Ever yours

In exasperation

And exhaustion and

Maddening spinning

And swirling

This side of intolerable

Around the same

Endless

Rankling

Circular

Pattern

Drain that

I felt

That I was

Bivalves w(hole)

letting out

The rot

Sucking up

The reassurances

Leaving a mess

No casual plumber

Could possibly

Untangled

Everyone in the room

Is frustrated

And wet

My stain

More than Neptune’s ocean

Could fathom correction

You called them ours

Spilling so I wouldn’t

Be the only clumsy

Broken

Drain in the room

And I loved that

I would have sat

With you all night

Smelling like our scotch

Letting our shower

Wash it all

Down the drain

Non Ho Farfalle

Butterflies

Those tuggings and

Pullings at leads

And tendons

And lungs

Begging for action

Divine in the moment

Made to break the next day

Because

We aren’t all fed

On myths and moonlight

These things are needed,

In mind,

Mind,

For solace and inspiration

And getting upright

Some days

But most days

Hard days

Sad days

That not even

Butterflies will fix

Mercurial moths

That show you one

Form then

Leave in another

Not light

Not gentle

As their name

Promises

But toothy like wolves

Weighted down

Like

A sinking ship

Surrounded by

Sharks

Instead

A bowl of pasta

Set for me

A extra large sweatshirt

Smells unlike me

a sit down

A trust that

Isn’t questioned

On paper or

In mind,

Mind

We don’t

That’s the wings of

A thousand

Not under your lungs

But beneath your feet

Grateful for solidity

Solidarity with space

And heart

And truth

Warm, Wrapped in wool

Not fragile gossamer

Held in arms

Strong as oak

Living with

Steady

Giving

Knowing

And known

smiles

Rather than butterflies

K

One

Word

Sound

A

Syl

La

Ble

Yep

K

Meh

So

Much

Hurt

In

One

Small

Space

Once

Said

Hurt

Back

Won’t

Hear

More

Ears

Shut

Heart

Closed

Strike

First

Save

Your

Soul

Can’t

Be

Left

Said

First

Felt

Most

Left

Last

Hurt

Far

More

Teeth

Shut

Key

Hit

Send

Push

Down

Don’t

Push

Deep

Press

Hard

Not

Made

For

Such

Force

It

Comes

Out

In

The

End

Up

Yours

How

Can

One

Punch

Break

It

All

So

Much

To

Feel

Say

Scream

Cry

Gut

Wrench

Howl

Reach

Out

Give

Up

Take

In

Fuck

Off

Get

Over

Learn

New

Hope

High

Risk

All

Go

In

Weak

Come

Back

Strong

Here

For

The

Long

Road

Wrong

Turns

Right

And

All

The

Love

But

All

There

Is

To

Give

Is

K

His Cup

Close full to my

near empty

born with bigger cups

for others to drink from

Needful to drain mouthfuls

to keep yourself slaked

how else can you

service others

in my cups

a spinning buzzy place

only stayed in

for a moment

someone

has to be in charge

and its always me

take this and drink

I thought was the offer

the moment given

with promise of return

selfish

drank

and drank

and drank

always trusting

the cup would be offered

again

and again

and again

until I went too deep

stained lips a shade

too dark

and the cup

was buried

under cloth

and ornamentation

a show for

the audience

eager to applaud

to touch

their congratulations

adulations

I didn’t want to

Drain

I wanted to

Quench myself

But there was

Never

Enough

In my cup

Filled

And flowed

And fermented

For another

Future drink

Never

Enough

Without access

I kick

If I can overturn

Catch spilled drops

With my tongue

Then it’s not me

With my hands

Around the stem

But I empty

His cup

That I filled

All the same

Turn

Key in hand

Matches the one to my

Mothers house

My dad isn’t there any more

Another one gone so

It’s hers

But this key

This key

Mine

Fits in my hand

Right away

No carving

Scars next to my finger

Wonder how that is

I walk in the door with

Problems and sadness

Sometimes food and

Poetry of

Questionable

Worth

A room of rugs

I tried to kill

And powders and

Sprays

And guitars that aren’t mine

Unless I want them

Access and trust

And how do I pay

That back with words

And pastries

And promises of love

I can’t prove but can

Imagine

And I do

More every day

How can I trust

This turn

This metal cut

To fit me

When my brain

Screams to change

The fissures that I

Dug myself

Deep and wrong

Can a key

Tooth and bite

Fit a cracked and

Clefted doorway

Can it lock out

What blew off the door

And froze the room

The metal warms

And matches my skin

When I hold it

So maybe

It can’t

But

It can turn

If I can