Not the actual scales that one stands on. Because, just no. I’d like to report that I put value on myself for my actions and intentions. But, again, just no. There’s always going to the that part of me that always feels less because of what I see in the mirror. Brilliant words on a page should mean more than the number on the tag of a dress. Should. Really should. But that might be more about hormones and not acting jobs. For today anyway.
During times when what you want to do is so far away, and nothing is on the horizon, it’s so easy to lose sight of everything. I will forget in an instant every accomplishment, every victory, every progression. But I will manage to trap in steel every insult, every coming-up-short, every universal and encompassing failure. It’s a gift, really. I don’t know how confident people do it.
But I’m trying. I am a planner. Trying to wade though a snarled life like mine, you have to be. For me, that means lists. Lots of beautiful numbered and bulleted lists. That I will lose. And then have to write again. But it helps me sometimes to see, full-frontal and exposed, where I am. Where I need to go.
So, let’s list what happened lately that did not combust into iridescent, sparkly, sticky suck:
On the most important front, there were good mom things today. (Also, Lots of awful things.) But, some things I can legitimately call good without embarrassed,
- He practiced piano. With less than a 15% eye roll noted.
- He ate actual food. Asparagus and grilled chicken. That came from my kitchen and not a drive-though window.
- We shared green gum balls at the bank. Okay, that one might not technically fall into the “good” column. But, it was fun. And that sure as hell should count for something.
And speaking of hell, while getting our irritated drive on during our after-school errands, I mentioned a bothersome wicket that was causing, as a bright blue Tank Engine once said, “confusion and delay”. He laughed out loud.
“YOU SAID A BAD WORD!”
Did I? I raced through the tape on the last thirty seconds of our conversation. What the hell did I say? I hope it wan’t about the train. He loved that train as a baby. I was indifferent. But, I did love it when George Carlin did that narration. And on that note, back to my bad word.
“Oh? What did I say?”
“Mommy, you said the ‘c’ word!”
Silence. Oh. Shit. Silence. There was no way I said the “c” word, right? Right?! I mean sometimes you do, because sometimes you have to, because sometimes there’s just no other bloody choice. But, now? I said it now??
“What…what “c” word did I say, honey?”
CYS? As in the Children and Youth services that will be paying me a visit?
“Silly Mommy. You said”…
*looks around…looks around again… whispers*
I truly snorted.
“Yeah, ya got me , Copper. I did say the “c’ word. I said crap. I’m sorry.”
He giggled, out of control.
“Mommy! You said it again!”
Yeah. It was good.
With me, person me and not mom me, other stuff is pretty thickly stalled. But, I’m looking for and trying to remember the victories. More lists:
- Crap. I’m listing it again because that shit was funny.
- I have 1,688 words of a horror story that I didn’t have a few days ago. It’s not for anyone but me. Better to have words than to not have them.
- I pulled out a monologue from the bowels of a decade-and-a-half-old desktop computer. It just might be performed in an upcoming show.
I was an IT god for finding that things from the depths of my cyber closet. Looking back at the piece, I was really happy with it when I wrote it all those years ago. And i’m still okay with it. Looking ahead, I’d be tickled to hear it onstage one more time. (Note to self: past victory. File that one away accordingly, please.)
- Oh, and I got a really groovy book about psychic vampires. Pretty convinced I am one. That’s about all for that topic. I like weird books.
So, no. Not doing much right lately.
But, I did say crap.
Sometimes it’s not the crap, but the laughs we get from it that tip the scales in our direction.