Remember?

 

Remember?

When was the last time you were happy?

Right now?

No?

Sometime today?

Yesterday?

Where?

Was it hot?

Rainy?

What underwear were you wearing?

Do you remember?

 

Do you believe in happy?

Are you sure?

Have you seen it?

How long did it last?

What happened to it?

Did it float away—a vapor,

or change from happy to…

un-happy

dis-happy

ex-happy

post-happy?

 

Where did it go?

You had it?

You had it.

I believe you.

I don’t need to see it.

You saw it.

Didn’t you?

 

Do you remember?

I can’t remember.

Maybe it happened too fast.

I wasn’t looking.

I wasn’t living.

I wasn’t there.

 

Who was?

 

I thought I caught it.

Last night on the couch.

Then later again on the couch.

Then in the kitchen.

Did I?

Did I make it up?

Or did I make it?

I made happy.

I thought.

That’s what they tell you.

But I wasn’t alone on the couch

or in the kitchen.

 

What if don’t want to remember happy on my own?

I’ve gone there by myself.

I’ve gone alone and come back

Without.

I knew enough to know

I was fine,

I was good enough,

I wasn’t happy.

 

Are we allowed to want someone

to help us remember the happy?

 

Just someone to take notes.

In case there’s a test.

 

Is that cheating?

 

If I use that, or want that,

I don’t need that.

But need hat?

 

Do I not get the happy

If I don’t play by the rules?

 

I never saw the book.

But I worked really hard for it.

 

I know wanting isn’t enough.

I put in the hours.

 

Enough happy

for all the hours.

 

Okay, not all…

 

some of the hours…

 

One hour?

 

Five minutes?

 

Just once,

for a heartbeat?

 

Aren’t we made for that?

 

Social creatures

Village

Tribe

Coven

Pack

Family

Partner

 

Because being fine

being alone is fine.

Can smile there.

Can happy there.

 

But maybe

it doesn’t have to be a goal.

 

Just like blissfully tied

isn’t always the best ending,

neither does strong, walled-off

need to be.

I don’t remember.

I don’t know.

If I leave it in

the corner, hiding

until time,

will it be there?

 

Will the happy sneak out the door

while I’m looking somewhere else?

 

I don’t want to miss it.

I want it to wait for me.

 

I want to remember.

My new book Drowning Above Water is available now in paperback and on Kindle though Amazon. 

 

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